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i wonder if i should give up on the idea that people vary in talent, character, and capacity- to see people as all inter-replaceable clones. i wonder if i, myself being no better or worse, should begin emulating the ‘problematic’ behaviors of those around me.

maybe i’d be even more human.

i feel left behind due to the lexicon continuing to shift while i’m not a teen. i am unsure if i prefer meaning or personal expression. i may be a hippocrite as i think i may be changing my bias there.

i’m thinking about dropping my identity, for the cliche identity in culture. but i’m also having dark thoughts due to it. i don’t believe i’ll be awarded humanity for what i am, i’m just a tool. i don’t remember if hollow rewards were better.

why try if there is no reward? why reward if there is no try?

why value a ‘gift’ if it was just reciprocation? why value a gesture if you expect it to be hollow and symbolic and deceptive? if you are valued by your capacity, and you value someone for being, is it really mutual? i guess i need to improve enough that i don’t see my changes as ingenuine.

i’m kinda wondering if i’m a loser.

i’m not interested in experiencing instances of the normal social dynamic. and what i want doesn’t seem out there. i don’t think the caricature of a ‘girl’ i want exists. and one who indulges in normal social behaviors is repulsive and disgusting.

i wonder if i have a crossed wire since what most people consider repulsive and what i find repulsive are inverse. i find religious humanism gross (in both meanings), and i find ‘try-hard’ a compliment. i find identity in how i am different, though i treasure how i am the same. and they find identity in the pack, and treasure their unique utility/capacity.

i don’t think i will get to experience a fraction of what they allege to take as granted. maybe i am broken and i’ve screwed myself over. and because of this maybe i am a loser.

there should be a ‘pop culture’ killer. someone who just has pop music blaring loud before they do unspeakable acts, a new one for each song to be playing on the radio. would make a great dual personality mystery where half the book is written as the murderer and the other half as the detective.

 

TV killed the radio star, but now radio gets revenge

the relationship of others to you, called perception. or the inversion of their perception of you, the second person perception.

their truth will be more normal, but your truth will be more precise and developed, so which is truer? which is more fundamental?

 

i wonder if there is a way to compile out second person truths beyond stereotype of the modal identity, so you know how the person would reason.

 

is there a way to create an realistic character within a narrative, and realistic second person characters relating with the main character? or does the hero bias/spin the ancillary characters with so much personality/bullshit that they lose their agency?

if so, is there a fix/patch? how?

every act worth enacting is worth doing on it’s own merits.

fighting is worth fighting for. if it wasnt no mitigating circumstance would validate the behavior, it would still be contradiction.

more consequentially, fighting with ideals leads to tyranny and dominion and eventually retribution. subjugate not, and your enemies will have far more struggle in playing the victim card. so unless they believe in the hydra democracy, you will be able to expect to be treated as an adult.

 

only allow fighting to be worth fighting for.  for it is that earnest consonance in the pursuit of perfection in any thing, which one can attain. no end goal has value, only the methodology to reach it.