i wonder if i should give up on the idea that people vary in talent, character, and capacity- to see people as all inter-replaceable clones. i wonder if i, myself being no better or worse, should begin emulating the ‘problematic’ behaviors of those around me.

maybe i’d be even more human.

i feel left behind due to the lexicon continuing to shift while i’m not a teen. i am unsure if i prefer meaning or personal expression. i may be a hippocrite as i think i may be changing my bias there.

i’m thinking about dropping my identity, for the cliche identity in culture. but i’m also having dark thoughts due to it. i don’t believe i’ll be awarded humanity for what i am, i’m just a tool. i don’t remember if hollow rewards were better.

why try if there is no reward? why reward if there is no try?

why value a ‘gift’ if it was just reciprocation? why value a gesture if you expect it to be hollow and symbolic and deceptive? if you are valued by your capacity, and you value someone for being, is it really mutual? i guess i need to improve enough that i don’t see my changes as ingenuine.

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