i’m kinda wondering if i’m a loser.
i’m not interested in experiencing instances of the normal social dynamic. and what i want doesn’t seem out there. i don’t think the caricature of a ‘girl’ i want exists. and one who indulges in normal social behaviors is repulsive and disgusting.
i wonder if i have a crossed wire since what most people consider repulsive and what i find repulsive are inverse. i find religious humanism gross (in both meanings), and i find ‘try-hard’ a compliment. i find identity in how i am different, though i treasure how i am the same. and they find identity in the pack, and treasure their unique utility/capacity.
i don’t think i will get to experience a fraction of what they allege to take as granted. maybe i am broken and i’ve screwed myself over. and because of this maybe i am a loser.